I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
