my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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