I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He shit in the fireplace
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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