Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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