he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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