Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
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