Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
