I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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