I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize