you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
please come you make the beer taste better
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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