I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
