I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
