it wasn't lemon gatorade
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize