I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
