Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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