Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
