He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
