It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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