Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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