Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hippo gnu deer
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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