She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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