she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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