drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
