Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
