the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
