how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
