birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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