a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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