Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
