Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
