first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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