Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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