What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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