weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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