I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
