Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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