You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
