I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
