so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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