Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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