you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
