So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
