Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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