Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
