You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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