I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
