They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
