so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
