Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
