watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
