Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
