Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
