Umm I'm too high to move.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
