How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
