You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
