u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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