i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
