Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
