in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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